Posted in Anxiety, Best Friends, First Love, Friends, Friendships, Heartbreak,, Self-Harm, Strangers, Writer

From Best Friends to Strangers

Is there someone in your life that you’ve spend so much of your time with? Someone who understands you. Someone who you can be a complete weirdo with. Someone that can immediately make your day better.
Do you have a friend like this? What about a best friend? How about a best friend that you were so close with that you developed feelings for?

A few years back I had a friend that I used to spend all of my time with and we used to do everything together. We just clicked! Their friendship is one of those that I thought would last a long time. Unfortunately, our friendship ended, because of my lack of communication.

Writing has always helped me figure out my emotions and see things clearly. In my journal, I used writing to communicate my feelings. I’ve actually used writing to tell a best friend how I felt about him.
Let me tell you a little story about one of my best friends….
I had a friend that I didn’t much care about at first, until I got to know him better. This guy was just the coolest guy ever! We would literally text all day, every day. We had so much in common. Most of our conversations were very silly, weird and just random, but I loved every moment of it. Of course, developing an awesome friendship with this guy ended up badly, because I got feelings for him. I was so certain that he liked me too, but I was so wrong. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
Anyways, our friendship later ended because I, like always, don’t know how to express my feelings to people. It took me a while to get over him. It sucked that I lost a good friend, because of my stupid feelings. So, what I did was put my feelings into writing. At first, I did it for myself. I wrote a letter addressed to him. I put all my emotions out there. After writing the letter I felt so much better, but there was something still missing…he still didn’t know how I really felt. I needed him to know the truth, so I gave him the letter. Well, I didn’t give him the letter directly, because I chickened out, but I got his friend to deliver it to him. That same day we talked about it. I finally got my closure!
Friendships are really hard sometimes. Some of my other friendships didn’t end the same way. With other friendships I never really communicated with them like I was supposed to. I just walked away.
Let me tell you another little story about one of my friendships. . .
I had a best friend that I used to do everything. She was the kind of friend that I would talk to about anything and everything. We were like sisters. I used to look up to her…well, down to her, because she was short. Anyways, we understood each other in a weird sisterly way. We used to even have these nicknames for certain people.  In this growing friendship, we faced a lot of things that life threw our way. At that time, a lot of people kept telling me so many negative things about my friend. They would tell me not to trust her, that she’s only using me and that she only cares about herself. Of course, I never listened to any of these comments. I knew my best friend. Yeah, she wasn’t perfect, but that’s okay. We are all a little imperfect. Throughout the moths, our friendship became a little rocky. She was dealing with a lot of personal and relationship problems. I tried helping her out as much as possible. Months later, we slowly started drifting apart. She had a child at the time and we were each spending our time doing different things. I tried really hard to fix our friendship and try to spend more time with her, but nothing really worked. Our friendship got so distant that I made the decision to just walk away. 
Now, I know what I did was bad, but if you saw things in my point of view, ending that friendship was something I had to do for myself.
In my point of view, I tried helping my friend as much as possible. Whenever she needed me I was there for her. However, while all of this was happening, I was dealing with my own problems at home. My parents were fighting all the time. I was having problems with my mom. All of this stress caused me to deal with depression in a negative way. I even started self-harming. I thought about telling my friend about it, but my best friend was already having so much stress and problems that telling her about mine would make things worse. I felt alone. She had a new boyfriend at that time and I felt like he took my place as the best friend. I felt like my friendship wasn’t needed anymore. 
I eventually did try to tell her about some of the problems, but nothing seemed to work. Expressing my feelings has always been a hard thing for me to do. I could never tell her what I really felt about our friendship or how it was affecting me. With me, I have a tendency to be brutally honest sometimes. Since I knew that she was dealing with other problems, I didn’t want to tell her about my feelings and just ruin our friendship. In the end, it did end. This is why I decided to just walk away from this friendship. 
Walking away was one of the hardest things I had to do. She was my best friend after all. I don’t regret walking away; however, I do regret walking away, the way that I did. I’ve realized that I could have done things differently. I realized that communication is one of the hardest things for me to do. This is something that I’m trying to work on. This is where writing comes in.
The reason that I decided to write about these failed friendships today is because it’s something that I regret doing. I don’t have many friends anymore. I lost the good ones that I did have. I hope to one day fix these friendships. I hope to one day get better at expressing my feelings. This is the reason why I love writing so much. It helps me with expressing myself.
Okay, to end this really long post, here is some advice. If you have a friend that you care about so much and you are having problems with them, then tell them how you feel. Having a good communication with any type of relationship is something everyone should do…or at least work on doing. If that friend is worth it, work on it. Best friends are hard to find, so when you find a good one, don’t let them go that easily. Until next time!

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