I was going to try to post something on here every day, but that didn’t go as planned. When depression hits you, it’s really hard to get yourself back up. For the past few days I’ve been feeling really crappy about myself. Depression is something that I can’t control, but it finds a way to control me. I’ve been trying to figure out what in the world is triggering this. I was fine earlier this week and then suddenly I’m back to square one.
This is a little something from one of my journals that describes how I’m feeling at the moment…
“I just can’t hide my depression anymore; I want to just give up on everything. Everyone is better off without me. No one needs me in their life. I don’t understand why I’m even here. I know I should appreciate everything I have and even for being alive. I really do appreciate it. I just don’t believe I deserve it. I just don’t belong here. I don’t fit in. I wish I could be happy and just love life, but I can’t! I can’t help what I feel. I can’t make it go away; I wish it would go away. The one thing I really want in life is love. I want to fall in love with someone who actually loves me for me, but that will never happen. I’m not cut out to be with someone. People get tired of me easily. No one will ever be able to handle a crazy chick like me. I’m better off alone. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
The only thing that I can think of that might be triggering it is the fact that the holidays are coming. I love the holidays! The thing is that myholidays simply suck each year. Holidays are supposed to be about bringing the family together and spending time with them. This is not the case in my family. Everyone in my family ends up doing something else.
Another thing is the fact that my birthday is coming up. Birthdays are fun when you’re a kid, but when you start getting older, they don’t seem so fun anymore. Mostly because it just means that you’re getting old.
I don’t mean to sound negative, but all my birthdays have sucked! You see, my birthday always lands on the week of Thanksgiving. During that week, everyone is planning to leave to go spend time with their families for Thanksgiving. Basically, no one can hang out with me on my birthday.
Another thing about my birthday landing on the week of Thanksgiving is the fact that a lot of people forget that there is a holiday on the month of November. People usually go from October (Halloween) to December (Christmas). The only thing that people seem to remember is Black Friday, which is right after Thanksgiving.
There has only been one birthday that I love the most. In 2004 I turned 13 years old. That day, my birthday landed on Thanksgiving. To this day, this birthday has been my favorite birthday.
These or some of the things that I did on some of my previous birthdays…
- When I turned 18 in 2009, I had to work that day. I got $14 at work (giving money to the birthday person is something people do here). At that time, I was having problems with a guy that I liked and was my friend. I was sad and in a bad place the whole day. I ended up harming myself.
- When I turned 19 in 2010, well, I can’t remember much of that day. I do remember getting a laptop from my oldest brother and a Wii from my other brother. This birthday was a little better than the others.
- When I turned 20 in 2011, I didn’t do anything…at all! I stayed at home and watched TV. I got a few gifts from my family and a few “Happy Birthdays” on Facebook from people that don’t normally talk to me.
- When I turned 21 in 2012, I spend a crappy night at Dave & Busters with friends. I appreciate the people that were able to go, but that whole night no one wanted to do anything. There was one friend who tried so hard to make my day fun and I love her for it! Other than that, I couldn’t wait for the night to end.
- When I turned 22 in 2013, that day I didn’t do much just spend time with my family. However, it was a pretty good birthday. My little sister had gotten me tickets to see Drake in concert. That night was AMAZING!
- When I turned 23 in 2014, I had to work at both my jobs. It was a little overwhelming, but keeping busy was better than feeling sad. At my first job, no one knew it was my birthday, and I honestly didn’t felt like telling people. At my second job, my manager did know it was my birthday and she got me a chocolate cake (which was delicious). We also rented the movie “Bad Neighbors” (which is a really funny movie & Zac Efron is such a Hottie!).
I learned my lesson! For my 24th birthday this year I’m just not telling anyone about it. I’m not doing anything special. I might just go to the spa and treat myself, but that’s it. As for the upcoming holidays, I will find ways to give back.
This is actually something that I started three years ago. You see, when I was a little girl, I grew up in a not so great neighborhood with little money. My parents couldn’t afford to buy us new toys. Every year we would go to churches and get food, clothing, and toys. I used to think that it sucked growing up this way, but now that I think about it, I’m thankful for everything. This made me into the person I am today. When I was young, I told myself, “When I grow up I will find a way to give back to others,” and I did.
Every year I buy toys and give them to the Fire department to give to families. Last year, I made my homemade cookies and apple pies and gave them to the Fire and the Police departments. I will continue to do this for as long as I possibly can.
Now, I don’t do any of these things to get “good karma” or because it’s a “nice” thing to do. I do this, because it’s something that’s close to my heart.
Anyways, Holidays are not my thing, but I will try to keep a positive mind. I’m going to go now and try to keep working on myself. I’m going to keep trying to post every day, so we’ll see. Thank you for reading! Until next time!