Lately I’ve been looking through my journals and most of it consists of heartbreak, loneliness, depression, anxiety, self-harming, bad friendships, and quotes. As you know, writing is something that’s been helping me deal with my emotions throughout the years. I’m here to share some of the stuff that I’ve written in my journal in the past.
First, I would like to talk about my heartbreaks in the past. For the past six years I’ve been working at a grocery store. I started working at this grocery store when I was 17 years old. In high school, I was already a loner dealing with depression and anxiety, so when I started working here I met a lot of new people. Since I got the chance to meet new and different types of people here, my brain was only processing one thing, boys.
Unfortunately, I never got the chance to get a boyfriend. This is something that has been driving me crazy for years. Boys never liked me as more than a friend and if they did, I never noticed the signs. I’ve always asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?”
On November 17, 2009 I started self-harming. Getting my heart broken so many times was too much pain for me to handle. Yes, I’m ashamed to say that the reason I started to self-harm was because of a stupid boy who broke my heart. Self-harming is something that I’ve heard about, but I was always too scared to do it. It took one really bad night for me to just break. I just kept thinking that maybe if I started cutting myself, it will help with the pain. That is all I wanted, for the pain to stop.
On September 05, 2015 I got a tattoo on my wrists. On my left wrist it says, “My story doesn’t end here;” and on my right wrist it says, “I’ll Always Keep Fighting!” I haven’t told this to anyone, but there are two reasons why I got this tattoo on my wrists. The first reason is that I’ve wanted to get the “Always Keep Fighting” words tattooed for a while now. The second reason is that I was hoping the tattoo will help me from attempting suicide. A few weeks before I got the tattoo I kept having bad thoughts all the time. I was in a dark place and I was seriously thinking about ending my life. I kept hearing a voice in my head that kept saying, “Just one cut on your wrist and it will all be over.” Whenever my thoughts got that dark, I kept trying to find the light. It kept getting harder each time. That’s when I finally decided to get the tattoo. So far, it has helped a little.
I still have bad nights and suicidal thoughts. This is something that is going to take me some time to get better. September 18, 2015 was the last time that I self-harmed. I hope to someday stop self-harming completely.
Secondly, I would like to show you some of the poems I’ve written in the past:
“The voice in my head is slowly making its way up again.
Yes, I’ve dealt with this pain more times than you can imagine.
Just let this smile distract you from one of my constant battles.
Save your breath, your words won’t help me anymore.
Don’t worry, soon the sun will shine my way again.”
“The dark clouds are coming out.
The thoughts are going wild.
It’s too late to stop it now.
The smiles are turning into frowns.
I have to get away somehow.
I look around, there’s no one to be found.
It’s too late; it’s taking over me right now.”
May 03, 2014
“It’s like being trapped in a dark glass room.
No windows, No Doors, No Escape.
Darkness is all around.
People walk by like nothing is there.
They sometimes stop and stare, but no one tries to break you free.
The screams get louder each day, yet no one listens.
The scars get deeper and the blood keeps dripping.
One day, the sun shines through a small hole.
You fight to break free and as soon as you step outside of that room, darkness comes and throws you back in.
There’s no escape now.
Darkness is always all around you.
Once you realize that and learn to live with it, darkness won’t be so bad anymore.”
August 4, 2014
“It’s okay if you walk out of my life; you’re not the first to do so.
It is okay if you say those hurtful words, I’m used to them by now.
It is okay if you don’t have time for me, I’m used to being alone.
It is okay if you forget about me, everyone else does.
It’s okay if you only noticed me when you needed something, that’s the only thing I’m good for.
It is okay, I’m used to the pain.”
December 21, 2014
“I could see the beauty of your soul shining through you.
I could see all the good hiding inside of you.
I could see myself slowly falling for you.
I should have seen that all of this would someday end.
I should have known that one day you would walk away.
Now I see that you never fell for me the same way I did.
Now I’m too damaged to ever fall in love again. . .”
September 2, 2015
“There’s another side of me that no one knows.
If you knew the real me, I doubt you would want to learn more.
There’s a part of me that’s very dark.
I get lost in there sometimes with my awful thoughts.
It’s a part of me that I can’t let go.
It’s a part of me I rather not show.
But can’t you see, that this is the real me?
I’m not the Angel that everyone wants me to be!
That’s not me, that can never be me.
No matter how hard I try, my dark side will always show.
Now I need to know, can you still love a person like this?
Someone who hides in the dark to avoid your disappointment.
If I showed you my scars, would it make a difference?
Will you still love me?
Even with my dark side?”
if you don’t know who Jared Padalecki
is, you need to look him up NOW!
Jared is an AMAZING guy that has made me feel like my life actually matters in this world. I’ve had a lot of dark moments where I wanted to give up, but thanks to his words, “Always Keep Fighting,” I’ve kept moving forward. Jared is my light when I only see darkness.
This is from my journal…
May 26, 2015
“The other day I was feeling down. I went to the bathroom and just started crying. I haven’t felt like that in a while. I’ve actually been feeling happier lately. I was just thinking about everything that I need to do before moving to Oregon and it just overwhelmed me. I got sad and stressed. I had to just cry, but then it’s like everything just came rushing and I broke down.
I wanted to start cutting again. It’s been months since I last cut myself. Then, it’s as if I heard Jared’s voice in my head and he kept telling me, “Always Keep Fighting.” So I started repeating it in my head, “Jared wants me to Always Keep Fighting.” Soon after, I got off the floor (where I was crying); I washed my face and went back to my room as if nothing happened. Jared Padalecki is my Angel!! He prevented me from hurting myself.”
Jared gives me Hope! Here
, Jared opens up about his struggle with anxiety and depression.
After dealing with so much pain, I finally had enough! I got tired of people treating me badly and taking me for granted. I got tired of falling for stupid guys who are not worth my time. I got tired of letting the wrong people into my life. I got tired of feeling disappointed all the time. I knew that I had to do something, but I was scared. I was scared of being weak and vulnerable.
It took these two videos and these two books to finally give me the courage to speak up about my mental illness.
Finally, these words gave me the final push…
“Maybe it’s time to find some help. Help is real. Hope is real. These things are possible. You’re not alone.”- Jamie Tworkowski, If You Feel Too Much
It took me a while to realize it, but HOPE is the one thing that has kept me going all these years. I hope that this post helps others, even a little bit. Remember, your story is not over yet! Until next time!