I’ve been feeling very weird lately. My mind is filled with mixed emotions and I can’t control them. I feel empty, lost, sad, anxious, and confused. My mind feels like a puzzle and I can’t figure out how to solve it. I’ve been like this for the past three weeks now.
Do you ever get that feeling like your mind is just on red alert? You know. . .
“Panic. You open your mouth. Open it so wide your jaws creak. You order your lungs to draw air, NOW, you need air, need it NOW. But your airways ignore you. They collapse, tighten, squeeze, and suddenly you’re breathing through a drinking straw. Your mouth closes and your lips purse and all you can manage is a croak. Your hands wriggle and shake. Somewhere a dam has cracked open and a flood of cold sweat spills, drenches your body. You want to scream. You would if you could. But you have to breathe to scream. Panic.” —Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
In reality the situation is not that bad, but you’re mind doesn’t think that way. Fear takes over your mind and it goes on red alert.
Anxiety is different for everyone. For me, the worst part is that no one can tell when my anxiety comes, so I’m stuck there trying to figure out a way to calm down, while the world continues on around me.
Anxiety is something that I don’t get too often, but I do struggle with it sometimes. I had finals two weeks ago and my anxiety decided to show up and stay for the week. The whole week felt like hell! I had trouble sleeping and concentrating. I kept worrying over everything that I had to do. I couldn’t stay focused on the one task, because in the back of my mind I kept thinking about everything else.
I attended a lunch party at school last week. At first I was excited about it, but as the day got closer, I started to get scared. At the lunch, I felt so out of place the whole time. I didn’t know anyone there, except for two people. I looked fine from the outside, but I was freaking out on the inside. I stayed close to the two people I knew in order to stay calm.
I’m an introvert and I like it. I like keeping things to myself. I don’t like being social…at least I didn’t think I did.
I realized that I do enjoy spending time with people and getting to know them, if only for a few minutes. So what made me freak out so much? Well, I realized that FEAR is what kept taking over my mind. I get scared of starting conversations and opening up to people. I’m scared to let people see the real me. I’m scared of being judged for being the weirdo that I am. I’m scared of not being smart enough to understand what some of the topics people choose to talk about, like politics for example (History was never my subject). Fear is taking over my happiness.
Then the depression kicks in. My depression comes and goes. I try to find ways to stay positive, but it gets hard. Do you know how hard it is to force yourself to be positive when you feel so empty inside? I always end up feeling so alone and worthless. Whenever I feel this way I end up isolating myself from everyone and everything. Then I feel guilty for not spending time with my family.
I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy. I want to stop feeling like there is something wrong with me. I’m broken inside. People say that they see the good in me, but I can’t see it. Why can’t I see the good? I believe it’s because people don’t know everything that goes on in my mind.
I was hoping to end this post in a positive note, but I’m having a hard time doing that. That’s the thing about mental illness, every day is a battle. The only positive thing that I can think of is that I haven’t felt the need to self-harm in a while. I’m proud to say that I’ve been clean for four months now. I hope I can keep it up.
Okay! I need to end this depressing post already. So, To Whom It May Concern, if I ignore you don’t feel bad. I just need some time alone.To Whom It May Concern, if you really care about my well-being, actually being there for me helps me feel better. To Whom It May Concern, I’m doing what Jared has been telling me to do, Always Keep Fighting! Until Next Time!