I’m going to be incredibly honest in this post. These are some of my thoughts that I’ve been having lately. Just a heads up, it’s not very positive.
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Do you believe in second chances?
Lately I’ve been feeling lost and confused about everything that is going on in my life. For those who haven’t heard, I quit my job a few weeks ago. I did this thinking it was the right thing to do. Now, I’m not so sure I made the right decision.
Let me tell you a little bit about my job experience. I was at this job for almost seven years. I worked hard and always did what I was told. I was a damn good, loyal worker. At this job, I have dealt with a lot of drama with some co-workers. I was blamed for things that I didn’t do. I was treated unfairly by my managers, that I was forced to work the overnight shift. My confidence in myself was destroyed. I just wanted to get away from everything. For a while, working at night was a really good thing for me. However, that small happiness didn’t last long. At that time, I started working at another job as well. I told my manager that I was only available certain days. They seemed to be okay with it, but then they started to mess with my schedules. I guess the managers though that I wouldn’t mind working in other departments, so they would schedule me to work in places that I wasn’t okay with and at times that I wasn’t available. I put up with this for so long. Now, I should mention that I was also dealing with depression, anxiety and self-harm too. I know that I probably could have said something to stand up for myself, but the thing was that no one ever seemed to listen to me. I felt useless. I wanted to believe that I actually mattered to this company, but truth is, I never did. Finally, one day I just snapped. I couldn’t take the way I was treated anymore. I’ve been working so hard for the past few months to better myself and I wasn’t going to let them treat me the same way.
I kept telling myself that what I did was good. That I was finally standing up for myself. Now it just feels like the most stupid decision I have made. I should have sucked it up and left once I knew I was financially ready. I still have a couple of bills that need to be paid off, but I have no money. I have been sort of trying to find another job, but I just feel like what’s the point?
Is this the life that I want to live? Is this where my life is heading?
For a long time I’ve been working and paying bills. Now I’m in school, but it feels like the same thing. I don’t want to keep living this “safe” life anymore. I feel trapped; stuck in a world where you have to work a crappy job to make a few bucks, which is only going to go to bills.
What am I living for? What’s my reason for staying here in this world any longer?
I’ve heard people say, in order to find happiness, you need to “listen to your heart and follow your dreams.” How do I do that? Seriously, what I want to do is not possible. I’m starting to believe that my dreams may never come true.
I want to travel the world, meet new and extraordinary people, and write freely without a care in the world. Now, tell me, how can I possibly to that? My heart is telling me to just get up and leave, but that’s a really stupid thing to do. I have no money to survive.
Like I’ve said before, I’m stuck. I know that I can try getting a job and save money, but by doing that, it’s just going to feel like I’m back at square one. It’s going to be like I’m doing the same thing over and over again.
Same song, different verse.
I’m not smart enough to get a high paying job. Yes, I’m going to school, but it’s going to take me a few years to get my degree and possibly earn more money. In the meantime, I still have all these other bills pilling up. I regret not going to college right after high school. I was lost then and I’m still lost. I want to believe that what I’m doing now is the right thing.
All of this is just one part of my thoughts. Another thing that I’ve been thinking about is love and friendship. That’s something that is on my mind constantly. This is something that I’m starting to realize and accept, that it’s never going to happen. I’m not meant to find love or find true friends. I screw that up a long time ago. I’m honestly scared that one day I’m going to end up just settling for anyone.
I want to believe that maybe this is my second chance. Is it though? Why do I deserve a second chance? There’s nothing special about myself. So, if someone can please tell me, why should I keep going? Why do I deserve a second chance?
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I haven’t post anything in a while, because I have nothing positive to say about anything. I didn’t want to bring my negative thoughts on here, but I feel like that’s the only thing I’m good at. Besides, I really doubt anyone is really keeping up with my blog.
I’ll try to post something a little more positive on my next post. Until Next Time!