Lately I’ve been feeling a little stuck. Actually, I’m not really sure what I’ve been feeling. It’s just a mixture of feelings. It’s hard to describe. I thought I was holding in sadness, but I don’t think it’s that.
I feel like I’m finally starting to value myself. I feel like I’m starting to see the good in me. Is this what it feels like to love yourself? I know that I’m starting to let go of the past. I’m starting to see the best in me. I’m finding my self-worth.
On Friday, I stayed up late at night trying to figure out why I didn’t want to go to a job interview for my old job (a grocery store) the next day. I had this gut feeling telling me that I shouldn’t go. Then it hit me, I realized how much I value myself. I remember that I had left my second job (a floral shop) because I wasn’t happy there. I remembered the mistake that I had made.
I had left my second job (a floral shop) in 2014 because it just wasn’t right for me. I felt like my manager expected too much from me and I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I just wasn’t happy there. A few months later, she asked me to help her out on a wedding. It was supposed to be just one wedding. But soon one wedding turned into another one and soon I was working for her again. It was until I started going to school that I realized that working with flowers was just something that I didn’t want to do anymore. In school I felt like I could just do anything. I started to feel like there’s more to me out there. At the time I was working at my first job (a grocery store) and my second job (a floral shop). I wish I could leave both since I wasn’t happy with either job, but unfortunately I needed the money so I stayed with my first job (a grocery store) and left my second job (a floral shop).
My mistake was going back to my second job (a floral shop) just for the money. Instead of looking for a better job that would pay more and make me happy, I went back to a job that didn’t make me happy.
I realized on Friday that I was doing the same thing with my old job (a grocery store). I was only going back for the money. I had forgotten my self-worth. I was letting people make me feel like I wasn’t good enough to do better, when deep down I knew I could. It was a good thing that I didn’t go because I got an interview for another job.
When I was working at my first job (a grocery store) I started to think why I hated that job. Yeah, management sucked but that wasn’t really the reason. I’ve been working there for six years and only getting paid part time. I wasn’t a supervisor or at least a manager. That’s not what I wanted to be anyways. I realized that I wanted to pursue writing and working there wasn’t going to take me anywhere. I knew that I needed to make a change in my life. That’s why on January 08, 2016 I took a risk and quit my job. That night I realized that I shouldn’t be putting up with a job that I didn’t want.
I’m starting to see what my next step is; finding myself. When I started school and counseling I started to finally see the good in me; the person that I’m meant to be.
These past two months I’ve been trying so hard to figure out where to go next in my life. My emotions have been a complete mess. It took me almost two months but I finally realized something.
I’m finally starting to love myself & that’s the best feeling in the world! It’s the only love I need right now. ♥️
On another note, I started a gratitude journal and that has been helping me see the world a different way. I’ll be honest, I thought the idea was a little stupid at first. It was a little hard to think of “good” things that happen to me each day. After a week I started to look forward to the gratitude journal.
“You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You’re human, not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend.”
For the people that are actually reading my blog, Thank You! I know my life and emotions are a roller coaster. I really appreciate my readers! Until Next Time!