Posted in AlwayKeepFighting, Anxiety, Childhood Stories, Depression, Hope, Music, Writer

Hurtful Words To The Mind

Hello my fellow readers!

I want to start by apologizing for not making a blog post for the past two weeks. I’ve been a little busy with school. Now, on to the post.

Have you ever had a really good day and someone comes along and ruins it completely? Well, that just happened to me today. Today wasn’t perfect or anything, but it was actually a pretty good day. I spend some quality time with my mom. I listened to some really good, motivational music. I got school work done. I finished work on a project that I’m working on in school and got some good feedback. Overall, it was a good day.

Now, how can my day possibly get ruin?

I was working on my English essay on the kitchen table, while listening to uplifting music until my dad decided to have a conversation. Now, I do want to mention that I don’t hate my dad at all. We just don’t always agree on the same things most of the time. Let me start by telling you a little bit about my relationship with my dad.

When I was younger, my dad was my world. I always wanted to do everything with my dad. I’m not sure exactly what happened over the years, but everything changed between us. As I grew older, he started getting distant from me. He had to work all the time so I had to spend less time with him. I guess the more he worked, the more I tried to get his attention. I remember that I would always to everything that would make him proud of me. I always made sure to do good in school and get good grades. I was such a good child.

My mom told me once that my dad wasn’t around when my brothers and I were little. I guess that’s why he is trying to be a better grandfather. In high school, I can remember feeling worthless and a disappointment. I remember when I quit my first job because it was interfering with school. I also wasn’t happy working there, but my dad didn’t care. He told me that I am supposed to just suck it up and do my job. He even told me how there was this girl at his job and how she was getting treated so badly by the managers, but she still kept working there every day. I really hated that. It made me feel like I was disappointing him again.

Over the years my dad and I haven’t been on the same page. We used to argue all the time because I never agreed with him. Now, we barely talk to each other. This brings me to my day getting ruined.

When my dad got home he started talking to me. He asked me how I was doing in school. He asked me about my phone, which is unfortunately suspended at the moment. Finally, he asked me about my job search. Yes, unfortunately I’m still unemployed and have been for a while. It’s not like I’m enjoying not getting paid. I wish I did have a job, but no one is really hiring at the moment. Anyways, like I was saying, he asked me about looking for a job. I told him the truth, that I’m looking but no one is hiring. He, of course, didn’t like the answer and told me that I really need to find a job soon. I know that I quit my job because I wasn’t happy there. A lot of people quit they’re crappy jobs and find something better. It’s not the end of the world, but my parents make it seem like it is.

I knew my dad would be telling me that one of these days. My mom has been acting like everything is okay, but I know that they are not okay with me not working. Hearing my dad telling me that I need to get a job already made me feel like such a burden, a disappointment and worthless. I’ve already been kicking myself over this for the past few weeks. I did not need him to remind me.

I hate that they have such a high expectation on me. They expect me to always do good and make lots of money and be a freaking perfect person. My parents are part of the reason why I’m so screwed up in the head, since I always needed their approval growing up. I wish I could make them understand that what they say and how they say it affects me. I’ve suffered so much over the years because of their hurtful words. Even with counseling, I’m still suffering on the inside.

My dad then asked me if I have chosen what I want to study. I hate that!! I have no freaking idea what I want to do with my life. I hate thinking about the future because it gives me anxiety. There goes another disappointment. I told him that I still don’t know what I want to study, but I still have plenty of time to decide.

After that conversation I went to my room. I could feel the pain inside and I knew that I was about to cry. I did actually cry once I got to my room.

For the past three months I’ve been trying to stay positive. I am actually trying to find a job, but no one wants to hire me. That makes me feel worse about myself. I feel like I suck at everything and no one wants me. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel like I’m starting to hit rock bottom and I’m struggling to get back up. I try so hard not to think this way. I try not to think so negative but I can’t help it. Just when I thought things were getting better, depression has to slam on my door and take over.

Since I’m still feeling really crappie right now, I decided to write on my gratitude journal and listen to uplifting music. So far it’s helping a little.

Things will get better, right? I really hope so.


 

A song that has been on my mind frequently is “Conqueror” by the Empire Cast (featuring Estelle and Jussie Smollett). It’s such a good song.


 

I would like to announce that I am participating in the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Walks in Houston, Texas. I created a team called, “I Am Victorious!

I created this team because I want to show people that there is hope. At my school we have high school students and some of them might be fighting a battle on their own. I went through the same thing when I was in high school. I know how hard it is to keep going and to feel like you are alone on this. It took me years to finally get the courage to get help. I was blessed to find the light when I was at a really dark place in my life. I have fought many battles on my own and I am still here. I want to be an example to those who think they can’t keep fighting. Hope is Real!

To learn more about the NAMI Walks you can go to www.namiwalks.org/greaterhouston.

Registration is FREE! You can even bring your kids and dogs.

If you would like to help me raise money you can go to http://www.namiwalks.org/participant/10595.


 

Thank you for reading! Until Next Time!

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