Lost. Sadness. Anxiousness. Worthless. Unimportant. Hurt. Emptiness. Disappointment. Anger. Worthless. Stuck. Invisible.
I’ve been feeling lots of emotions these past few weeks. It mostly has to do with something that’s been happening these past few weeks.
On April 30, 2016, I was supposed to go to the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) walk, but it got cancelled. There was supposedly this big storm on the day of the walk, but it never came. I had a feeling that the walk wasn’t going to happen. Everything was basically leading to failure. In school, I felt like no one cared about the walk. It just kept getting pushed to the side. The NAMI walk was important to me, because it’s about mental health. It’s about people coming together and supporting others who are struggling on their own. Yet, I felt so alone on this. I got my hopes up only to feel disappointed in the end. My disappointment then led to anger. I felt angry at myself. I kept relying on people to be there for me. I keep trusting people that haven’t been there for me. I was angry at myself for believing that I can actually make a difference. I felt like this was my time to reach out to others and let my voice be heard, but I was so wrong. I still feel invisible. Not attending this walk led me to sadness. I felt like such a failure.
What’s wrong with me?
That’s the question that I keep asking myself over and over again. I can’t help it. People tell me, “There’s nothing wrong with you,” but I have a hard time believing that. I know myself better than anyone. I know there is something wrong with me, I just don’t know exactly what it is. It’s driving me crazy not knowing what the hell is wrong with me. Everything feels wrong. I feel different emotions bundle up together trying to take over my mind and I have no control over it.
I was feeling happy to be alive yesterday. Now I’m not feeling the same way. I feel like the world doesn’t matter anymore, like anything that I do won’t matter anymore. All I want to do is get away from everything and everyone, even if it’s just for a little while. But I know that I can’t do that.
Why can’t I get anything right?
I feel like my life is being controlled and lied to. I feel lost in this world, like I don’t belong here. I feel so angry with myself. My whole life feels like such a disappointment. I understand that sometimes you have to go through the worse times to get through the best times. But I feel like I’m never going to get there. I don’t even know what happiness is anymore.
Will I ever find happiness?
I still feel like I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anything. Maybe that’s why bad things keep happening to me.
These are the reasons why I haven’t updated this blog. I didn’t want to write about my dark moments, but I felt like I had to. Hopefully my next post will be a little happier. Until Next Time!