Posted in Alive, AlwayKeepFighting, Anxiety, GISHWHES, Help, Hope, Misha Collins, Positive Thoughts, Writer

Finding My Way Back To The Light

I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve had some time off from school and it’s been really nice to just relax. But having all of this free time for myself is bad for me. Yes, it allows me to relax, but at the same time, it makes me lose my purpose. I think I lost my purpose a while ago. I honestly don’t know why I keep trying to push forward anymore. What’s my purpose? Did I have one at all? Nothing I do feels right anymore. I still feel lost. I still feel like I don’t belong in this world. I keep questioning myself on what I like and I never know the answer. There’s just so much going on in my mind right now.

I watched Saturday Night Live on Hulu the other day with Drake as a host and musical guest. The episode was really Awesome! I love watching Drake act! Anyways, back to my point, during the Weekend Update Colin Jost (the really cute anchor) brought out Leslie Jones and she talked about life. She commented on the video “It’s Never Too Late.” She talked about how we shouldn’t rush into trying to figure out what we want to be. She named a lot of famous people and how long it took them to finally become somebody.

That made me feel a little better about not knowing what my life should be right now. But at the same time, it made me think about my future. What if I end up like that? What if I spend my whole life trying to find my happiness? Will I be okay with that?

I haven’t told many people about a little trip that I’m taking this summer. I was elected to go to China and study abroad. This is an amazing opportunity for me! I’m happy that I was chosen to participate in this program. Traveling is something that I love doing. However, planning for this trip has brought me a lot of stress and anxiety.

I really want to go to China, but at the same time, I’m scared. I went to a mandatory meeting on Monday and when I looked around, I didn’t feel like I fit in. I kept asking myself, “Why am I here? I don’t belong here.” There are 18 students that are going on this trip and I only recognized about five people. I don’t even feel like I deserve to be going. This is a trip for students that work hard and make good grades. I don’t feel like I’m that kind of student.

There are things that I need to get done before going and those things are stressing me out. It mostly involves having money, which I don’t have. I’ve been overthinking everything about this trip and it’s getting me stressed out. I keep having little panic attacks by just thinking about it and it sucks. I still don’t feel like I have anyone that I can talk to about this. No one understands me. People keep telling me what I should do, but is that really what I want to do? Is this trip worth it if it’s giving me this much anxiety? I can only imagine how I’ll feel when I’m actually there. I don’t know these people and I’m just going to feel so alone. Feeling alone is going to give me, even more, anxiety. The fact that I won’t even be able to communicate with friends or family is going to be a lot worse. At the same time, I’m thinking, what if this is just the fear talking? What if doubt is just getting in my head? What if I’m supposed to go on this trip?

I’ve been having a hard time thinking positive thoughts lately. Nothing seems to work. Sometimes reading positive quotes help, but when I read them all I can think about is that they’re all a bunch of lies. Writing in my gratitude journal and listening to positive music is not even working. Getting out of bed has been difficult too. If it wasn’t for the Melatonin vitamins that I’ve been taking, I would be having a hard time falling asleep as well.

I watched this video on Facebook about making your bed. I thought it was going to be a stupid video, but it was actually really inspirational. The video is from a speech that Admiral William H. McRaven made at the University of Texas at Austin in 2014. In this speech he talked about achieving the first task of the day by making your bed. By making your bed every morning, it will motivate you to complete another task.

That’s what I’m starting to do. I’ll be honest, I don’t usually make my bed. Especially if I’m going to be home all day. I used to do it when I was younger, then it slowly stopped throughout the years. So far, making my bed every day has been motivating me to complete another task. If you want to watch the actual speech by Admiral William H. McRaven, click here.

Another thing that’s been on my mind is participating in GISHWHES this year. I really want to participate in that. It’s always fun to do, even if I have to do it alone again. GISHWHES is happening in the week that the trip to China is going to be. I was hoping to do both, but I won’t have internet access while I’m over there. I feel like I fit more with the people participating in GISHWHES than this trip. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

So, these are the main things that have been on my mind. Right now I’m feeling a little better. The videos that I’ve mentioned have made me feel a little better. Two other videos that have helped me as well are from Candace Payne and Prince Ea.

The Candace Payne video is about her going to Kohl’s to return some stuff and buying a Chewbacca mask. The video is hilarious to watch. Her laugh was contagious!

The Prince Ea video is about going after your dreams. It really opens your eyes and makes you think about Your future. It made me feel better about quitting my old job to find what makes me happy. I feel like I’m actually doing something good for myself even if I’m having a little hard time right now.

I know that I don’t post a lot on here, but I’m going to try to work on that. I usually feel like I have nothing to talk about, except for these negative thoughts and I don’t want that. So, in the next few posts, I will be talking about my past. Well, it’s going to be mostly about my childhood.

Thank you for reading! Until Next Time!


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